Life is hard. No really… it’s harder now than it ever has been. School, teachers, relationships, friendships and life all collided these past two weeks. It was like a bomb went off in my life, but nothing really went that wrong. Weird I know. I have been having a fit with my PR Writing teacher in her lack of consistency with her grading (which I could honestly write a whole blog post on), but it’s just a grade as my mom says. It doesn’t define me or my writing ability and I already spoke to my teacher about it. My friendships are stronger than ever, as is my relationship with my boyfriend. My sweet Bella Louise is healthy and fully recovered from surgery. My grades are up and my organization, homework assignments and planner have never been so organized in my entire life. I am not behind in anything, except working out but I’m getting back to it, and my family is thriving and persevering through a tough time with my little cousin. But we are strong. We always all come together and build one another up. My laundry is done, I have no breakouts, my room is clean and the occasional school stress fights its way in, but it’s normal. Nothing I can’t handle with a face mask and a relaxing bubble bath. So what is it? Why can’t I seem to stay out of bed after getting home from classes? Why am I crying every single day? Why am I just so sad all of the time? Is it possible to have everything going right and still feel so empty and blue? How can life be picture perfect, but inside you are crumbling? Is it too perfect? Is it me? What do I do?
College has gotten the best of me before but not like this. I couldn’t put my finger on it for two weeks, until I got a surprising knock on my door Thursday.
This past weekend was mom’s weekend and I was thrilled to see my momma because it had been a solid 3 weeks since I had a true momma daughter laughing session. I was woken up from my usual Thursday coma I put myself in after class so I don’t have to deal with life when I was awoken by a knock on my door. I sprung up because I thought it was maintenance coming to replace my towel rod and I knew it wasn’t my mom because she wasn’t due for 5 more hours. Sure enough I open the door and an angel was standing in the doorway with the biggest smile and popping orange shirt with goodies in hand. It was my mom. I don’t think I have hugged her tighter in my entire life. If anyone knows me they know I am not a huge hugger so you knew my body needed my mom if I embraced her this much and almost started to cry. The whole weekend was spent laughing, smiling, random photos shoots in the streets of Norman, good food, crying and lots of words of encouragement. Maybe I just needed my mom? Is that a thing? Is it possible that I needed my mom this much in person and not just over FaceTime? Does my mom really make everything 10x better? Sadness will still be there after she has left to go home, I know this, but just this one weekend with her reminded me that everything will be okay. Everything will work out. Life will continue to be hard, challenging and test your faith, but how can you let it get the best of you with moms on our side. They make the world stable and not shake as much. Moms remind you that pain hurts, but finding outlets to relieve it helps too. Moms reassure you that your sadness is normal, and you’re not broken. Moms lift your spirits in a ways you only thought sleep, alcohol and cuddles with your dog could cure. Moms pick you up when you think you are falling apart. Basically my mom is a saint for putting up with my emotional instability, college drama and is the best mom in the world. Here’s to you Mom…
An Open Letter To My Mom
Thank you for being my role model. I hope one day I can inspire people just like you and have someone say “because of you I didn’t give up.” Because of you I am not giving up mom. You have fought the toughest battles life has to offer and came out on top every time smiling and with flying colors. There’s a saying that says, “If you ever feel like giving up, remember there is a little girl watching who wants to be just like you…don’t disappoint her.” That little girl is me mom, and despite what you might think, you have never once disappointed me. Surprised…yes, but never disappointed me. My role model will always be you.
Thank you for being my best friend. A title not used lightly, but one fitting for how important you are in my life. I can tell you anything, probably too much sometimes, and know you can be trusted with my deepest darkest secrets. I can share with you the things I will never reveal to anyone but you. I believe in life that you meet one person who is unlike any other. You can talk to them for hours and never get bored. And they change your whole world. That’s you mom. Best friend, thank you for standing by me when times get hard, indulging in my happiness with me when things are great and making me laugh when I didn’t even want to smile. Thank you for making my world better everyday just being in it.
Thank you for never showing me conditional love. Thank you for teaching me what unconditional love is. You didn’t have to love me as much as you did when I was born. Being a teenage mom I’m sure was hard and you didn’t have to do everything you did to make sure I never felt like “the girl raised by the single mom.” You didn’t have to give up your entire life to make mine the best it could be. And trust me it has been great. But you did. You have done everything for me and I can never repay you nor would I even know where to begin. Because of you I know how a child, friend, peer and lover should feel an overwhelming, suffocating powerful sense of love no matter what. Unconditional love. How to never give up on people despite their flaws. Love is not rare. But unconditional love is. You have loved me when I least deserved it, because you knew that’s when I needed it most. Unconditional love can be tested but never broken. Because of you we will never be broken.
Thank you for being my everyday angel. You lift me up in ways only the Bible can. You inspire me to persevere through the tough, scary and simple messes in life with grace and beauty. You watch over me. Protect me. Love me. Respect me. Carry me when my wings are broken. Hold me up when my heart tells me to fall. Push me when my feet tell me to stop. “For he will order his angels to protect you wherever you go. –Psalm 91:11” You’re my angel that watches over me every step of the way in this crazy life. I am never alone with you in my corner, by my side and always in my heart, even if I forget this sometimes. You are truly my heaven on Earth.
Thank you for always making me laugh. I have never laughed as hard with or at someone in my life thus far. Anytime we are together we are doing something comical that makes me chuckle weeks later thinking about it. We can be childish, immature and goofy but we are hilarious. Even if no one else believes it. Your smile lights up the world and makes everyone else smile around you. How do you do it? How can you walk in the room and all eyes are on you, your beauty and your smile? You can give me back my smile at times when I thought I lost it for good.
So mom, thank you for everything you do and continue to do. Never forget how beautiful you are, that pink lipstick can turn your whole day around and never forget how important you are. Life wouldn’t be the same without you. You’re my everything and I love you with all of my heart.